and then comes the uncertainty

all summer brody talked to us about God’s faithfulness to direct us. we talked about the proper placement of fear. how today has enough worries of it’s own. in general, i was able to giggle at being one of many whose life post-snowbird ’09 was undefined. i trusted Him to guide me. the possibilities seemed far beyond my capacity of imagination. i liked the blank slate and fretted only about my connections at northpointe.

so here i am. post-snowbird. i’ve secured a very part-time job at my previous place of employment. i’m living at home. just me. my parents. and very irksome pets. my only consistent interaction with friends/other believers takes place through northpointe and can be limited by my lack of transportation and frustrating distance from the church and most of the members. my life is developing that bland taste that i have always abhorred and subsequently, been terrified of. i in no way accept the idea of being that girl who lets her life rot from neglect. it must be used and well used….

but i’m lazy and have cultivated immature and detrimental habits. my sanity requires that i demolish them. my relationship with the Lord is already sputtering (at least from this end). the mature part of me knows in a sober but not guilt-driven certainty.

i will not waste my life. whatever it will look like. i watch so many of my friends propel forward in the work that is before them. though the work that i see before me looks puny and unspectacular, i know that my perspective is prideful and self-absorbed. i refuse to feed the ridiculous thoughts that skulk around, hissing that the Lord might have forgotten me here. just because i decide what He is doing is not sufficient, does not mean it is not sufficient. my own high self-opinion does not give my authority or wisdom or right to complaint.

He keeps fanning the embers of my soul reminding me of my call to SINGE THE SKY. He whispers passions into my fancies of pursuing my studies outside of the classroom, working of my writing because here He has given me a voice, and helping northpointe cultivate affective ministry that becomes part of our lives and not part of our religious protocol. He speaks to me, He does, even though i hardly listen as though i am the important one, seeking to block out an  unflappable nuisance.

but i will walk on. i will be transformed. He is mighty to save. He gives me desires for a purpose, and He is faithful to complete the work He has started. Praise Him.


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