i never wanted emotions. i was decided from some young age to be the person who could be both caring and detached, compassionate and reasonable, moved to action and fully grounded. like a walking tree whose roots swam the ground instead of leaving it (i believe that’s in a book/movie somewhere). i watched my family fight in circles, chipping away at the beautiful pottery God was seeking to shape them into. i listened to friends attack their boyfriends for saying one wrong thing, and boyfriends attack them back for being crazy and unstable. i saw anger and depression sink everyone around me into shadows and self-obsession, unaware of the joy of life, of life in Christ. i, kaitlin the sane, would overcome all the pitfalls of emotion, rueing tears, never lifting my voice in anger, thinking thinking thinking before speaking.
this january, God made clear to me the requirement of emotion in my life to be a full blooming woman. i had tried so often to free myself from the binds of feminity, but he’s slowly taught me that he made me a woman because he wanted me to be one for all the weaknesses and obstacles, for all the delicacies and strengths. he said that i was meant to be vulnerable, that hiding the hurt others caused me made truly connecting with them impossible because i was hiding, lying. if i wanted to love them fully, i had to open myself to be fully loved and fully hurt. these past months, trying to accept these things, being forced to open myself to these things, have been joyful and uncharted, aching and half-blind. i have been more often angry and more actively forgiving. i cry often but usually for moments only, and laugh loudly, fully, deeply. much of me feels free and then so quickly terrified, looking for places to cower. only recently have i been seeking to hide my face in the gentle and fearsome chest of the Father. he sings over me gentle lullabys while i run half-crazed though these past moments of my life.
in just the last twenty-four hours, i have called to him with urgency over emotions too strong for me to feel, trying to hide myself in books and busyness. i don’t know what to do with these things. to care for someone deeply and to not trust them at all. to want and want and want but know full well that i should rejoice in the place God has put me and seek to sacrifice myself in each moment and know joy instead of happiness. having to apologize for the emotions that i’m still only learning to accept, much less control, and not recieve an answer which i shouldn’t expect. in the last weekend, i have been miserable with disappointment and paranoia while overjoyed when planning with other believers ways to further God’s kingdom, doing more with our lives and bringing our brothers and sisters alongside us.
in this moment, i ache. waiting for people who were supposed to call and haven’t. waiting for people who won’t call, but i wish they would, and knowing that the best thing i can do is accept my disappointment, my hurt, my worry, my paranoia while focusing on the truth and hope that i will be okay, we will be okay, and God is leading us always. to be on a journey of emotions seems almost too silly for me to stand, but i have rarely felt so aware of God shaping me at any other time in my life. i know he’s working when what’s happening to me leads me to pray fervently for others that they also will know him better, be drawn to him past their own fears and selfishness, that we might move forward together even if together is defined differently than we’d like. so maybe i’ll cry today for a bit. maybe i’ll cry. maybe i’ll try to do something productive and good and healthy. maybe i’ll forgive and seek to do more for someone than they might want to do for me at this time. the only thing i’m really sure of is that is all my sweeping ocean of emotion, God is singing over me, some how delicate and mighty all in one song, and i will keep walking forward.