costly dreams

my dreams are changing. shifting. they must. some things become impossible. to be forced to have better dreams can only be a blessing especially when i never quite realized that my dreams had been reshaped by convenience and instant attainability. how shabby they had become! i have spent hours warning young girls not to have fast food dreams but to wait patiently for the grand feast promised them. i did not heed my own words so passionately spoken. i hoped that i could turn a happy meal into a turkey dinner. i was surprised how quickly the satisfaction left me. i scream at the empty box because it is not more. because it is empty. it left me nothing but a few memories of easy pleasure. memories that haunt as do the echoes of empty calories padding my thighs and poisoning my body. and yet i paid such high prices.

lunch at mcdonald’s the other day was something like $7. i can eat for the same price at sit-down restaurants with healthier options and more filling food. but just like i accepted the convenience of costly junk food, i paid highly for trying out dreams that would come to me quickly. they came quickly and left at twice the speed, leaving me with an emptiness fresh and deep as a new grave. i am dying to the last fragrances of those dreams. i am telling myself over and over that repetition will not bring new results. i am trying to have enough faith in God’s loving plan for me to start the building of new dreams with firm foundations of obedience and truth.

today i don’t trust dreams. i think the better dreams will not taste so sweet though i know the dreams that tasted so nice are fleeting. i guess i’m changing my tastes as well, work i had started before and sabotaged quite thoroughly. like past attempts to train myself to crave fruits and fiber and cool glasses of water that were foiled when allowing myself splurges of french fries and ice cream and sodas, i demolished all my desire for healthy dreams by allowing myself to indulge in unwise ones….and yet it is not myself that i cannot trust. i do not trust the dreams themselves. but i will. i will build the dreams i should have and learn to love their aroma. i will allow myself to alter so that i might fit my future. i will give over control to my heavenly Daddy whose long-suffering, justice, and lovingkindness will build for me hopes too good to be fair.

i build with plastic blocks. he builds with marble. i must learn to see the beauty and the value in what he has for me. i will learn to see it. he is changing me. he is shifting my dreams.

i want eternal cravings. i am made of an eternal soul. i must get out of this body, its lusts and its selfishness. i might grieve for now over what i’ve lost, but i hope one day to understand what i am meant gain. God takes that he might give. he empties that he might fill. i confess that i filled myself with junk that i thought i could love into value. in his mercy, he has torn these things from my hands. they may be empty today, but they are free to be filled. oh bless the Lord! praise him for his mercies are severe. he cleansing without sparing a speck. i will be pure. he will sanctify me. he is.

not all my dreams were lost. i have often fancied the life of one sacrificing much. i liked to see myself scorned by the ones i love, sweeping in with confidence and love. though i tend to shake and weep on this path, it is in this long-held dream that he is leading me. i have great opportunity to pour myself out, to give without thought to myself. i will not run away from this dream because its satisfactions are eternal. the transformation of my tastes starts here. more dreams will come.

“my whole world is the pain inside me. the best i can do is just get through the day. when life before is only a memory, i’ll wonder why God let’s me walk through this place. and though i can’t understand why this happened. i know that i will when i look back someday. and see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes. and made me as gold purified by through these flames.

after all this has passed, i still will remain. after i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain. though it won’t be today, someday i’ll hope again and there’ll be beauty from my pain. you will bring beauty from my pain.

here i am. at the end of me. trying to hold to what i can’t see. i forgot how to hope. the night’s been so long. i cling to your promise there will be a dawn.” -superchick “beauty from pain”

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