i will return to my first love.

life is hard. it has never been harder. it will be harder one day. i hate knowing that i’m finally experiencing hurts that won’t just go away. aftershocks. no telling how many of those will strike and over what span of time they will continue. that feeling in my stomach that doesn’t really go away, that accuses me more than anyone else, that mocks my ability to move on to better places than i’ve ever been, that feeling says the aftershocks will strike hard and fast and long and won’t stop coming. i choose to believe that that feeling, the aching emptiness, will go away one day and so will the negativity. i suppose that place is where my wound is. it’s where the pain stabs through over and over at the strangest moments. it’s the part i can’t control that makes me angry. i can’t contain it. i opened myself up to it. now i have to believe that time heals. it has already. i hate knowing how much healing there is left to do.

God is good. he has worked miracles in me already. Love has won. i hung out with a dear friend who was most ruefully not a part of this whole thing. he should have been, and i hurt him by not pulling him in. i think i would hurt less if he were involved. maybe not. things are the way they are. i’ve almost stopped wishing i could go back and change my mind. i really don’t know if i would have made any other decision without a video play-by-play of what was to come. sometimes we have to fail at what we want to be to truly want to be it and therefore become it. i tried to do the things i thought the Lord wanted me to do without letting him be a part of me doing them. but now he has captured me. he is leading me through. i’m terrified. i keep closing my eyes for a moment, but he’s teaching me to walk forward in the work before me. he will not forsake me though i forsook him. i will return to my first love.

i know he will make me better. i know he is doing that now. i honestly can’t believe how directly he is promising to change me. he says “yes, you will hurt. you threw your heart around, but i am doing wonderful things in you. i can use this too. i love you, and i will teach you what that means.” oh Lord! that my life might fully transform. let me be beyond recognition, compassionate beyond comprehension. do huge things. i have lost already what was to be lost. i can move forward. nothing to drag me down.

i am blessed by my friends. never have i found so much joy in relationships or seen how sincere some of my friends’ care was for me. each conversation, each laugh they pull from me, each time they assure me it’s okay to feel his way, i heal a little bit, and i find that being an only is exactly so lonely. i can’t fully grasp how intensely delicious fellowship has been for me in the past week. i don’t want to trust it. friends leave, they don’t understand, they think mostly of themselves. that’s what i’ve been taught through experience, but these friends are entering into my heart where i used to let no one in. they are filling me. i thank God for them. i hope i can serve them as well.

the strangest thing is that i do fear the future, but not because i don’t know where i will end up and because i think i will never get married. actually those things seem silly and distant as though letting God work in me and mend my broken places and also working myself towards reconciliation in all thing sin the here and now are the only things that have any place in reality. i hurt sorely, inexplicably, but i fully hope in God and the work he is doing.

“the effects of you are fading like a drug. and i am alone because my heart is much too heavy to drag around everywhere i go. but through it all i have the sense that someone’s singing from a place higher than i will ever know. there is song of unspeakable words sung in the doorway of heaven. and the choir of pilgrims now with the sound of teardrops drying are enough to sober my heart and mind….

the truth has dawned to light their way, singing songs they know are more than they themselves could ever be. it’s strong enough to lift my soul. it’s strong enough to reach the girl who waits inside her dreams.” -the restoration project “unspeakable words”


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