time, you are dumb.

everyone keeps speaking about time. in a way, our master. not our master’s master.
it’s just a beat. it binds us. ever-flowing.
time marks our ugliness. this moment. this one. was your mistake. or mine, i mean.
and it shuttles forward. before we can rethink.
i always try to have my afterthoughts first.
but sometimes before they don’t mean anything.
time heals. but it also haunts. can’t push it faster or stop it up.

it’s an evertrain in evermotion. it’s the heart that tries to stay. still time carries us away.

i guess it wouldn’t count. to return to stop disaster. change the past and change the future.
hope it’s better what comes after.
but amends are made in the aftermath. in the pain and the healing. when our mistakes still reeling are forgiven.

time still makes me angry. it won’t give me what i want.
in that way, our master. but not our master’s master.
dear master, change what i want.

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come bursting through!

i want to love you. you’ve loved me so well.
i need to trust you and the sweet things you tell.
these are shadowy days but for your everclear rays….
they come bursting through!
why don’t i love you?

i’ve been a dreamy-eyed daughter all my life believing in the great fairy tale.
but today i’m all cloudy, and i don’t care a thing for the prince.
i’ll build my own castle with sand and the best of intent.
knock it down and woo me!
oh you have and you are.
this is all so confusing!
why does your love seem so far?

these are shadowy days but for your everbright ways….
they come bursting through!

if only i could capture loving you in rhyme, then i could, then i could.
but you’re more than a man! Oh God! you love me truly.
i know that my aching, aching is your way of breaking me into your arms, your little lamb.
but my eyes it keeps taking, taking from the peace of your plan.
teach me how to love you, and i won’t resent the sacrifice.
you teach me how to love you by requiring the sacrifice.
i want to love you so i’m trying to give the sacrifice.
why don’t i love you, but still you take this sacrifice?

i’m so enthralled with shadows, i scare myself.
i’m aching for the shadows, i destroy myself.
demolish all the shadows! fill me with your face.
this is too much for me. this is too much for me?
to love you….
come bursting through!
my heart is willing, my heart is willing, it’s so unwilling….
come bursting through.
oh God, teach me to love you.

i once wrote this for her…but i’ll let you have it too. ironic.

(written sometime ago….junior year in college?)

we scamper after shiny things
fool’s gold, fake diamond rings
with “man” engraved upon our heads
“woman” scrawled across our chests

talking pots
protesting clay

in the kiln, we shatter
******************
(and tonight, i say)

what’s enough for you tonight? what is going to quench your thirst? will you answer for these choices? are they new or well-rehearsed? you close your eyes in worship, but open them in want….you’re far more than wandering, you’re out for the hunt.

we’ve all been looking grace in the eye and claiming it’s not enough. i personally have been angry tonight, saying God give more, give better, this journey is too rough. but i’ve dropped my fool’s gold in the trash can and all my false gems in the sea. it’s you that i’m worried about, dear. what kind of man are you trying to be?
i’m going to pray for you tonight (the way i’ll always do), but i’m not sure what to ask. you’re going to do what you’re going to do.

so i pray that God blesses you now (i know his ways are not our own), and i pray that when you crash and burn, he’ll be waiting to carry you home. i pray we’ll know how to love you. our mistakes are just as great. and i pray that the pain you keep causing will teach its lesson and abate.

oh foolish child. oh fickle wanderer. i’m still confused. but tonight, oh this night, i promise, i’m earnestl praying for you.

a little ditty about grace, to remind me

i was, i was, i was a wall.
and you could not climb me. (though i’d occasionally let down a vine or something).
and i believed, believed, no one would care to try.
therefore, i was protected.
no one ever came to the top of me.
until, oh until that one time, when everyone kept saying it was wrong to be so guarded.
a wall so high…what use….
something about vulnerability.
so i built some stairs
and said i knew now somebody might conquer me.
you see, you can only try to destory me from the top.
my base is made of unfailing stuff.
somebody did climb.
sighed for a moment at the view and then carelessly tore me up.

i feel like i should have known better.
but then, i knew, i knew what i was doing.
i’m a wall, but i’m a wall for some kind of using.
something about vulnerability.

oh Lord, we’ll build again of stronger stuff?
my foundation stands.
your grace is enough.

pain swiftly sweeping. ride it out.

i have spent my life running from pain. stop the fighting. i don’t want hear the cruel things people say. don’t trust my friends, they’ll just turn away. i’ve spent most of my life numb. pushing any intense emotion away. i’ve spent most of my life dissatisfied. scared. sure i would lose everything. so i would grasp tightly but not look too closely. my only concession being that God could take it all anyway. he could rip it out of my hands, and i would accept it. but i wouldn’t give freely. not everything.

but i’m growing up. pain has a stronger voice than the childish hum i use to drown it out. ignorance can no longer pass for peace. i ask God over and over to let me see clearly. i can’t know truth with my eyes shut. and so the pain gets in. it is brash and quick and confusing. at first it stopped my breath, and i ran to God, begging him to breathe for me. but now i’ve had time to learn to breathe again. i can feel the desire to return to old ways. i pretend everything is fine again, do my best to ignore what’s broken, deal with the aftershocks. wait for the next good thing.

but the pain is too sharp. it aims straight at my hope. it sweeps swiftly into my heart. i’ve realized that i have to learn how to take a punch. i have to embrace the pain or it will break me apart. i’ll be a bunch of broken pieces pretending to be whole. i have to move with the motion, the way flexible things can take more impact than something thick and rigid. i can’t stand against the pain. over and over as a fresh wave hits the only relief i feel is running towards it. saying “yes, you are here and real. you might never leave. i will learn from you. you will not destory me.” and all the time running straight into God who knows all pain, to be part of him is to feel pain, to accept it. and i am safe in his arms. sometimes crying. sometimes singing. sometimes still in the very poetry of ache. for i feel stronger with each blow i take, instead of defeated. in his arms, i cannot be overwhelmed. in the center of the storm, i am safer than carelessly brushed aside by its arms.

this is my hope today: that pain will not overwhelm me. he cannot ask too much of me. he never would. everything i do is by his strength. how can i fail? i will not hide from him who tears down so he can rebuild. in the world i would be destroyed for destruction’s sake…..

still it’s hard not to wish we were all just okay. oh Lord, change my heart.

i will return to my first love.

life is hard. it has never been harder. it will be harder one day. i hate knowing that i’m finally experiencing hurts that won’t just go away. aftershocks. no telling how many of those will strike and over what span of time they will continue. that feeling in my stomach that doesn’t really go away, that accuses me more than anyone else, that mocks my ability to move on to better places than i’ve ever been, that feeling says the aftershocks will strike hard and fast and long and won’t stop coming. i choose to believe that that feeling, the aching emptiness, will go away one day and so will the negativity. i suppose that place is where my wound is. it’s where the pain stabs through over and over at the strangest moments. it’s the part i can’t control that makes me angry. i can’t contain it. i opened myself up to it. now i have to believe that time heals. it has already. i hate knowing how much healing there is left to do.

God is good. he has worked miracles in me already. Love has won. i hung out with a dear friend who was most ruefully not a part of this whole thing. he should have been, and i hurt him by not pulling him in. i think i would hurt less if he were involved. maybe not. things are the way they are. i’ve almost stopped wishing i could go back and change my mind. i really don’t know if i would have made any other decision without a video play-by-play of what was to come. sometimes we have to fail at what we want to be to truly want to be it and therefore become it. i tried to do the things i thought the Lord wanted me to do without letting him be a part of me doing them. but now he has captured me. he is leading me through. i’m terrified. i keep closing my eyes for a moment, but he’s teaching me to walk forward in the work before me. he will not forsake me though i forsook him. i will return to my first love.

i know he will make me better. i know he is doing that now. i honestly can’t believe how directly he is promising to change me. he says “yes, you will hurt. you threw your heart around, but i am doing wonderful things in you. i can use this too. i love you, and i will teach you what that means.” oh Lord! that my life might fully transform. let me be beyond recognition, compassionate beyond comprehension. do huge things. i have lost already what was to be lost. i can move forward. nothing to drag me down.

i am blessed by my friends. never have i found so much joy in relationships or seen how sincere some of my friends’ care was for me. each conversation, each laugh they pull from me, each time they assure me it’s okay to feel his way, i heal a little bit, and i find that being an only is exactly so lonely. i can’t fully grasp how intensely delicious fellowship has been for me in the past week. i don’t want to trust it. friends leave, they don’t understand, they think mostly of themselves. that’s what i’ve been taught through experience, but these friends are entering into my heart where i used to let no one in. they are filling me. i thank God for them. i hope i can serve them as well.

the strangest thing is that i do fear the future, but not because i don’t know where i will end up and because i think i will never get married. actually those things seem silly and distant as though letting God work in me and mend my broken places and also working myself towards reconciliation in all thing sin the here and now are the only things that have any place in reality. i hurt sorely, inexplicably, but i fully hope in God and the work he is doing.

“the effects of you are fading like a drug. and i am alone because my heart is much too heavy to drag around everywhere i go. but through it all i have the sense that someone’s singing from a place higher than i will ever know. there is song of unspeakable words sung in the doorway of heaven. and the choir of pilgrims now with the sound of teardrops drying are enough to sober my heart and mind….

the truth has dawned to light their way, singing songs they know are more than they themselves could ever be. it’s strong enough to lift my soul. it’s strong enough to reach the girl who waits inside her dreams.” -the restoration project “unspeakable words”

costly dreams

my dreams are changing. shifting. they must. some things become impossible. to be forced to have better dreams can only be a blessing especially when i never quite realized that my dreams had been reshaped by convenience and instant attainability. how shabby they had become! i have spent hours warning young girls not to have fast food dreams but to wait patiently for the grand feast promised them. i did not heed my own words so passionately spoken. i hoped that i could turn a happy meal into a turkey dinner. i was surprised how quickly the satisfaction left me. i scream at the empty box because it is not more. because it is empty. it left me nothing but a few memories of easy pleasure. memories that haunt as do the echoes of empty calories padding my thighs and poisoning my body. and yet i paid such high prices.

lunch at mcdonald’s the other day was something like $7. i can eat for the same price at sit-down restaurants with healthier options and more filling food. but just like i accepted the convenience of costly junk food, i paid highly for trying out dreams that would come to me quickly. they came quickly and left at twice the speed, leaving me with an emptiness fresh and deep as a new grave. i am dying to the last fragrances of those dreams. i am telling myself over and over that repetition will not bring new results. i am trying to have enough faith in God’s loving plan for me to start the building of new dreams with firm foundations of obedience and truth.

today i don’t trust dreams. i think the better dreams will not taste so sweet though i know the dreams that tasted so nice are fleeting. i guess i’m changing my tastes as well, work i had started before and sabotaged quite thoroughly. like past attempts to train myself to crave fruits and fiber and cool glasses of water that were foiled when allowing myself splurges of french fries and ice cream and sodas, i demolished all my desire for healthy dreams by allowing myself to indulge in unwise ones….and yet it is not myself that i cannot trust. i do not trust the dreams themselves. but i will. i will build the dreams i should have and learn to love their aroma. i will allow myself to alter so that i might fit my future. i will give over control to my heavenly Daddy whose long-suffering, justice, and lovingkindness will build for me hopes too good to be fair.

i build with plastic blocks. he builds with marble. i must learn to see the beauty and the value in what he has for me. i will learn to see it. he is changing me. he is shifting my dreams.

i want eternal cravings. i am made of an eternal soul. i must get out of this body, its lusts and its selfishness. i might grieve for now over what i’ve lost, but i hope one day to understand what i am meant gain. God takes that he might give. he empties that he might fill. i confess that i filled myself with junk that i thought i could love into value. in his mercy, he has torn these things from my hands. they may be empty today, but they are free to be filled. oh bless the Lord! praise him for his mercies are severe. he cleansing without sparing a speck. i will be pure. he will sanctify me. he is.

not all my dreams were lost. i have often fancied the life of one sacrificing much. i liked to see myself scorned by the ones i love, sweeping in with confidence and love. though i tend to shake and weep on this path, it is in this long-held dream that he is leading me. i have great opportunity to pour myself out, to give without thought to myself. i will not run away from this dream because its satisfactions are eternal. the transformation of my tastes starts here. more dreams will come.

“my whole world is the pain inside me. the best i can do is just get through the day. when life before is only a memory, i’ll wonder why God let’s me walk through this place. and though i can’t understand why this happened. i know that i will when i look back someday. and see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes. and made me as gold purified by through these flames.

after all this has passed, i still will remain. after i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain. though it won’t be today, someday i’ll hope again and there’ll be beauty from my pain. you will bring beauty from my pain.

here i am. at the end of me. trying to hold to what i can’t see. i forgot how to hope. the night’s been so long. i cling to your promise there will be a dawn.” -superchick “beauty from pain”